She's a little big girl. She can do a lot of things by now. I'm sorry honey for I do not jot down your big achievements throughout this few months. I'm so selfish myself busied myself with unnecessary things like overthinking that of course led to negative thoughts. I promise myself I would do my best to write down all my daughters' achievement.
Take note that your first walk was on 22nd of July 2011 at our new rented house in D'Shire Villa. I'm crying for every firsts you and Kak Iris did. It amazed me.
I love you both honey. I love you truly, deeply, madly.
Iris first slept over at Nek Sue's house. It amazed me so much that she can sleep without me hugging her, because her favorite line before closing her eyes would be "Mummy peluk Iris". She never slept without me by her side minus my stays at the hospital for Iesha's delivery and admitted for mysterious bleeding. I, myself, still wondered how this can work. But I like to quote Mama "Ni semua Allah punya kerja."
I'm still searching for the sign of the final decision of staying here in Malaysia and pursue my studies here in our dear country. I pray most of my nights searching and asking The Almighty the sign, the only sign for me to make a final and important decision, ever in my life. For some, it is the lamest thought, I've shouldn't think that at the first place. My say, whatever.
I'm so very bad wanting to pursue my studies abroad, far from my comfort zone, far from my plain routines, far from these plain days. No, I'm not here to moan over my life, my awesome life. Yes, I have awesome life. Now define awesome. It's like the feeling of peeing after holding it for so long - and that's how I define awesome. Simple as it is.
But sometimes I feel stuck with my routines. I need something different. I want to see something else. Studying overseas is my childhood's dream. Yes, perhaps I wasn't one of those bright students in high school, and so I need to make this come true with my only chance - my PhD. I tried and got the place in one of the unis in the UK, but I did what I need to do - forgetting my childhood's dream.
Whose to blame? My husband. It is easier to use the term 'husband' when I'm upset with myself. And it is much easier to put the blame on others than yourself. I can survive without him for that three years, but I should be firmed with myself not to listen to those love songs while highlighting the main point on the journal papers. But, there is one thing I cannot survive, one definite thing. I cannot survive without the girls. Listen or not to the love songs, or any songs, I'm definitely cannot survive without them.
And so, here I am, enrolling myself to the local uni. Is my childhood's dream so very mean a lot to me? Yes. I want that trench coat, that shocking pink trench coat with high leather boot, with that gloves, having fish and chips on Sunday, and that, that forever dream - get myself in that fluffy snow, that white fluffy snow. (Snow? Fluffy?). I have revisited my dream and it seems to me, all I need is a sheer vacation, not that three years staying for the sake of that fluffy snow using PhD as the need for that dream. My say, whatever.
I prayed harder, for the sign. And today, I got it. I got it in Iris's irises when she said:
Perhaps that is the sign, perhaps that it is not. But I took it as a sign. She needs her father more than those fluffy-snow-dream of her mother's. She needs us both. So, I did what I need to do. Be a mother and blame my husband.
I'm original, but quotes soothe me sometimes.
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.” - Tao Te Ching
P/S: There are days when I hate myself. So today one of the days. I even hate my straight plain hair. I need to curl my hair. Bye bye straight hair. Tomorrow hope for a better day.
Iris said she wants to share her potty training stickers with her friends. And since the teachers do not allowed to bring any toys or books from home, so she stick the stickers onto her face and hands and feet. So the teacher will not scold her, because she just bring herself. She said this to me and I laughed my heart out "Iris nak bagi sticker kat kawan-kawan. Haa kannnn." I don't know the purpose of emphasizing 'Haa kannnn'. You need to listen to her tone, that was very funny.
Second day was a disaster. We were late for school and I needed to answer the nature's call. So I sped my car and both of us ended up in my office's toilet. Added to the disastrous scene, Iris played the water hose and sprayed the water to me, and there went my clothes-wet.
I didn't manage to snap her photo. My morning routine becomes chaotic, both of the girls need to have their morning shower, and that takes me half of the morning. With Iesha's porridge, Iris's cheesy frankfurters, and Milo for me, I've should have started my morning before dawn. (Please Allah, let me be a pre-dawn person, please please!)
Later that evening, Iris screamed and exploded right after we got into the car screaming "Iris nak pergi sekolah!!! Iris nak main gelongsor!!!" She behaved like a princess in front of her teacher, but she changed into a monster with me. I cannot help myself giggled secretly looking at her screaming all the way long. I did not giggle because of the cry, but that determination. Not to wanting to go to school, but to play. How I love the determination. Now, that's my girl.
Bottom line, a disastrous day.
And ended up my day texted my only parenting team member "Rs mcm nk color rambut n let d professional pluck my eyebrow. Nite. Love u."
Today is the first day I go to school. I wear baju kurung with black and white dots on it. I bring my blue bag, no no, it is Iesha's, I borrow the bag from her. Since this is Mummy quick-quick decision to enroll me to the school, so she does not buy me any bag, maybe she'll do it later. She promises me to buy me a bagpack this weekend. And I hope it is Mr Bean's bagpack. Not the real Mr Bean, but the cartoon one. Look at my face, friends. I am so happy to go to school with Mummy. I woke up at 7AM so that I will not miss this happy day!
I eat my usual breakfast, The Sosej. Mummy cooks the best Sosej in the whole world. She can do lots of variety with The Sosej. She can cook porridge with Sosej, fried Sosej, reheated Sosej, Sosej with rice, Sosej with wholemeal bread and more! But this morning I just had my plain Sosej. Mind you, it is Cheese Sosej. I sit beside Mummy. She talks a lot along the journey. I eat The Sosej. She wears her seat belt, but I am too lazy to put on the belt. It stucks on my tummy. Mummy screams her highest pitch because I do not want to wear my seat belt and sit on my car seat. I am big, the car seat is for Iesha. Along the way to school, Mummy teaches me how to greet my new friends. "Hi, nama saya Iris Adeena." We rehearses for thousand times, until I spot buses and I ask Mummy to sing "Baby dengan bus says uwaa, uwaa,uwaa!!!". And then she corrects me, "Baby ON THE bus, bukan Baby dengan bus." It is not a boring journey after all, I don't even ask Mummy to borrow her iPhone to watch Mr Bean. I am so happy seeing all the cows and buffaloes nibbling the grass. Mummy says we might as well spot pigs one day. A very big pig and Mummy always make that ugly nose when she says pig. I really mean ugly.
And later, we arrive at school! I scream when I see the drawing on the wall. It is Mickey Mouse and Mini Mouse. I scream like this "Mummy!!!! Iris suka sangat!!!!!!!!!" And Mummy screams too, she's good with screaming I tell you. I will ask Mummy to take a video of me screaming. And once entering the school, I see many friends, 6 of them boys and 1 girl. I shake hand with the teachers and new friends. Mummy asks the teacher "Boleh tak nak tengok playground?" She is always obvious like that. And so the teachers bring me to the SLIDE! Yay, slide! With lots of balls, and the rocking horses and pink and blue and green chairs and tables! I love school!
Do you see the girl with baju kurung with black and white dots on it? That's me! I take turn to go down the slide. See the teacher behind me, she takes care of all of us. I love slide! I know why Mummy wants me to go to school. Because she wants me to play with the slide. She said the slide is too expensive and she'd rather buy pop up books than the plastic slide. Mummy always brings me and Iesha to the playground at our neighborhood, but it is too rusty, I mean the stairs. So we went there quick-quick because Mummy cannot help me with the stairs while holding Iesha. But now, here at school, I can play like forever!
Do you see the girl with baju kurung with black and white dots on it? That's me! I make cool face as Mummy snap photo. I don't want to look so excited, because I know, right after this Mummy will MMS my photos to Bapak, Nek Ma, Anya, Nek Mi, Nek Sue and the list goes on. And they will call Mummy in no time and I don't have time to talk. I want to play.
With God grants and all positive possibilities, I'm proclaiming myself as a student for the next few months. (Now, define few!). Well, most probably for the next two months I'll officially a person with a capability of using Endnote to no end and other terrifying possibilities (ghastly damage of my left-brain and a change to my walking style).
I'll enroll myself to one of the universities in KL, well, let the vagueness leave us thrill. (Haha, perasan!). Why not Sweden? What happens to childhood's dream to make snowman in winter? Why Malaysia why? Well, again, let the vagueness leave us thrill.
Yes, we are going to stay in KL for the next few months, speaking of which, I need to take Iris out from our beloved sitter care and send her to a more self-reliance environment. And so, I have registered her today (10th January 2011) into a Taska which I found so very self-reliance environment. I spotted slide. And rocking horses. And big Lego. And Ikea Mammuts.
While the caregiver briefed on the activities and such, I was in trance, for Iris. She'll play to her last energy, she'll scream in surprise with that slide, that Lego, that horses, and play all day long!
These were the conversation held between me and the caregiver.
"Kita ada kelas Kafa, baca Iqra'". "Aktiviti main-main gelongsor tu bila ye?" "Kita ada kelas English, BM, Sains." "Lepas main, dioarng tidur tak?" "Kita ada waktu makan yang tetap." "Boleh tunjuk kat saya tempat aktiviti main-main tak?"
I can't wait for tomorrow. Iris needs to wear baju kurung for morning class-Iqra'. I don't even teach her Alif. I am yet teaching her ABCs. I'm a playful mother. I hope she'll like her new place. We'll see tomorrow.
There are things I'd like to do more in 2011. More. And alone. I'd wish for a time when I could finish a sentence, have a complete thought, eat one entire meal without interruption, scrub my entire body without the girls knocking on the bathroom door, listen to my favorite song without a small little fingers switch off the satellite radio, finish the book in one sitting, and more.
More. And free. Free from tagging of that little girls of mine. Free of that thinking. Thinking of seeing the bottom of my laundry basket, of empty dish sink, of clothes needed folding, of that status of domestic goddess. And yes, it does not stop there. The thinking. It continuous when I have another baby to look at, at my parents's house. Yes, my you-know-who. When I need to think of reuniting his every sock with its mate, ironing all those so-called wrinkle free shirts, of...everything.
Yes, I am so ached for moments alone. But what am I whining for? My name is Mummy.