Iesha my playful little miss.

She's a little big girl. She can do a lot of things by now. I'm sorry honey for I do not jot down your big achievements throughout this few months. I'm so selfish myself busied myself with unnecessary things like overthinking that of course led to negative thoughts. I promise myself I would do my best to write down all my daughters' achievement.

Take note that your first walk was on 22nd of July 2011 at our new rented house in D'Shire Villa. I'm crying for every firsts you and Kak Iris did. It amazed me.

I love you both honey. I love you truly, deeply, madly.

1.11.11

Iris first slept over at Nek Sue's house. It amazed me so much that she can sleep without me hugging her, because her favorite line before closing her eyes would be "Mummy peluk Iris". She never slept without me by her side minus my stays at the hospital for Iesha's delivery and admitted for mysterious bleeding. I, myself, still wondered how this can work. But I like to quote Mama "Ni semua Allah punya kerja."

True, indeed.

Officially I am a student.

Since March 2011.

Hello hello hello!

It's been ages since my last post. And my two daughters aging as well; beautifully and brilliantly.

Iris Adeena, 3 years old.

Iesha Aafreen, 1 year old.

Hello March!

I Want This!

Awesome!

Bring it on, say out loud. Aloud and allowed!

I'm still searching for the sign of the final decision of staying here in Malaysia and pursue my studies here in our dear country. I pray most of my nights searching and asking The Almighty the sign, the only sign for me to make a final and important decision, ever in my life. For some, it is the lamest thought, I've shouldn't think that at the first place. My say, whatever.

I'm so very bad wanting to pursue my studies abroad, far from my comfort zone, far from my plain routines, far from these plain days. No, I'm not here to moan over my life, my awesome life. Yes, I have awesome life. Now define awesome. It's like the feeling of peeing after holding it for so long - and that's how I define awesome. Simple as it is.

But sometimes I feel stuck with my routines. I need something different. I want to see something else. Studying overseas is my childhood's dream. Yes, perhaps I wasn't one of those bright students in high school, and so I need to make this come true with my only chance - my PhD. I tried and got the place in one of the unis in the UK, but I did what I need to do - forgetting my childhood's dream.

Whose to blame? My husband. It is easier to use the term 'husband' when I'm upset with myself. And it is much easier to put the blame on others than yourself. I can survive without him for that three years, but I should be firmed with myself not to listen to those love songs while highlighting the main point on the journal papers. But, there is one thing I cannot survive, one definite thing. I cannot survive without the girls. Listen or not to the love songs, or any songs, I'm definitely cannot survive without them.

And so, here I am, enrolling myself to the local uni. Is my childhood's dream so very mean a lot to me? Yes. I want that trench coat, that shocking pink trench coat with high leather boot, with that gloves, having fish and chips on Sunday, and that, that forever dream - get myself in that fluffy snow, that white fluffy snow. (Snow? Fluffy?). I have revisited my dream and it seems to me, all I need is a sheer vacation, not that three years staying for the sake of that fluffy snow using PhD as the need for that dream. My say, whatever.

I prayed harder, for the sign. And today, I got it. I got it in Iris's irises when she said:

Iris nangis.
Kenapa Iris nangis?
Iris sedih.
Kenapa Iris sedih?
Bapak takde. Bapak work jauh.

Perhaps that is the sign, perhaps that it is not. But I took it as a sign. She needs her father more than those fluffy-snow-dream of her mother's. She needs us both. So, I did what I need to do. Be a mother and blame my husband.

I'm original, but quotes soothe me sometimes.

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.” - Tao Te Ching

P/S: There are days when I hate myself. So today one of the days. I even hate my straight plain hair. I need to curl my hair. Bye bye straight hair. Tomorrow hope for a better day.

Staring at the wall - Part 6

I wondered if perhaps we talked too much about the wrong things in order to avoid talking about the things that matter.

Third Day

Good morning!

Iris said she wants to share her potty training stickers with her friends. And since the teachers do not allowed to bring any toys or books from home, so she stick the stickers onto her face and hands and feet. So the teacher will not scold her, because she just bring herself. She said this to me and I laughed my heart out "Iris nak bagi sticker kat kawan-kawan. Haa kannnn." I don't know the purpose of emphasizing 'Haa kannnn'. You need to listen to her tone, that was very funny.

Happy playing Iris!

I need the professional to pluck my eyebrow.

Second day was a disaster. We were late for school and I needed to answer the nature's call. So I sped my car and both of us ended up in my office's toilet. Added to the disastrous scene, Iris played the water hose and sprayed the water to me, and there went my clothes-wet.

I didn't manage to snap her photo. My morning routine becomes chaotic, both of the girls need to have their morning shower, and that takes me half of the morning. With Iesha's porridge, Iris's cheesy frankfurters, and Milo for me, I've should have started my morning before dawn. (Please Allah, let me be a pre-dawn person, please please!)

Later that evening, Iris screamed and exploded right after we got into the car screaming "Iris nak pergi sekolah!!! Iris nak main gelongsor!!!" She behaved like a princess in front of her teacher, but she changed into a monster with me. I cannot help myself giggled secretly looking at her screaming all the way long. I did not giggle because of the cry, but that determination. Not to wanting to go to school, but to play. How I love the determination. Now, that's my girl.

Bottom line, a disastrous day.

And ended up my day texted my only parenting team member "Rs mcm nk color rambut n let d professional pluck my eyebrow. Nite. Love u."