Friday, August 3, 2012

Of confused mind


Initially I started this blog for my daughters to read, when they are able to read.  But with the increasing number of entries, I sensed the intended readers shifted to my silent readers, or at least I have some.  And with this is mind, I manipulated the way I write.  Not that the entries weren’t true, but I tried to show the good parts, leaving out the ‘Mak Tiri’s part of me (read:Mak Tiri in Cinderella fairy tale).  I did raise my voice over my daughters when they purposelessly spilt the milk on newly mopped floor.   I did bribe them just to ensure they eat the greens.  I did buy bucket of KFCs whenever I feel like not cooking.  The only good thing is I never hit them.  

Thus (I always feel this word ‘thus’ is excessively scholarly word), the confusion hits me.  Should I privatize my blog, or shouldn’t I?  This unstable state of mind leave out my blog with spider webs (direct translated: Oh sudah lama blog ni ditinggalkan, dah bersawang).  Another thought hits me, I have my favorite readers who love me the way I am, be it Mak Tiri or Mak Tak Tiri, so it is unjust for me to ignore them.  Then comes the ‘riya’ part, the scariest part.  What the readers translated is what I scared the most.  No, no, no!  That is not the scariest!  The thing inside me is. Even with initial good intention of the entry, I still cannot manage my mind and thought when them good readers said good things about my daughters, and sort.  

The point is, do I really have readers?  And that smacked me back.  I hope I have fewer than few. This thought soothes me.  I can then write freely.  I have few activities with them lately and I need to write for them to read, when they are able to read.  But with all the aforementioned (another scholarly word) confusions, I hold back.  

Now, define your objective.

Oh, of confused mind!

3 comments:

daughterette said...

There will always be 2 sides of a coin.what matters most is ur intention.for me it's normal to have this riya',jealousy etc.but u need to shut them off immediately as u can so that they won't consume u.we r human after all.but we have to have this determination to get to this level of faith whereby u won't get that negative vibe/feeling.my2cents.

jeep said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dayangbest said...

i accept you the way you are dear
mak tiri or not

hehehe jgnlaa private

guano ai nak tgk my god daughters semua tuh nanti