Initially I started this blog for my daughters to read, when
they are able to read. But with the
increasing number of entries, I sensed the intended readers shifted to my
silent readers, or at least I have some.
And with this is mind, I manipulated the way I write. Not that the entries weren’t true, but I tried
to show the good parts, leaving out the ‘Mak Tiri’s part of me (read:Mak Tiri in
Cinderella fairy tale). I did raise my
voice over my daughters when they purposelessly spilt the milk on newly mopped
floor. I did bribe them just to ensure they eat the
greens. I did buy bucket of KFCs
whenever I feel like not cooking. The only
good thing is I never hit them.
Thus (I always feel this word ‘thus’ is excessively scholarly
word), the confusion hits me. Should I privatize
my blog, or shouldn’t I? This unstable
state of mind leave out my blog with spider webs (direct translated: Oh sudah
lama blog ni ditinggalkan, dah bersawang).
Another thought hits me, I have my favorite readers who love me the way I
am, be it Mak Tiri or Mak Tak Tiri, so it is unjust for me to ignore them. Then comes the ‘riya’ part, the scariest
part. What the readers translated is
what I scared the most. No, no, no! That is not the scariest! The thing inside me is. Even with initial good intention
of the entry, I still cannot manage my mind and thought when them good readers
said good things about my daughters, and sort.
The point is, do I really have readers? And that smacked me back. I hope I have fewer than few. This thought soothes me. I can then write freely. I have few activities with them lately and I need
to write for them to read, when they are able to read. But with all the aforementioned (another
scholarly word) confusions, I hold back.
Now, define your objective.
Oh, of confused mind!
3 comments:
There will always be 2 sides of a coin.what matters most is ur intention.for me it's normal to have this riya',jealousy etc.but u need to shut them off immediately as u can so that they won't consume u.we r human after all.but we have to have this determination to get to this level of faith whereby u won't get that negative vibe/feeling.my2cents.
i accept you the way you are dear
mak tiri or not
hehehe jgnlaa private
guano ai nak tgk my god daughters semua tuh nanti
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