Thursday, January 20, 2011

Bring it on, say out loud. Aloud and allowed!

I'm still searching for the sign of the final decision of staying here in Malaysia and pursue my studies here in our dear country. I pray most of my nights searching and asking The Almighty the sign, the only sign for me to make a final and important decision, ever in my life. For some, it is the lamest thought, I've shouldn't think that at the first place. My say, whatever.

I'm so very bad wanting to pursue my studies abroad, far from my comfort zone, far from my plain routines, far from these plain days. No, I'm not here to moan over my life, my awesome life. Yes, I have awesome life. Now define awesome. It's like the feeling of peeing after holding it for so long - and that's how I define awesome. Simple as it is.

But sometimes I feel stuck with my routines. I need something different. I want to see something else. Studying overseas is my childhood's dream. Yes, perhaps I wasn't one of those bright students in high school, and so I need to make this come true with my only chance - my PhD. I tried and got the place in one of the unis in the UK, but I did what I need to do - forgetting my childhood's dream.

Whose to blame? My husband. It is easier to use the term 'husband' when I'm upset with myself. And it is much easier to put the blame on others than yourself. I can survive without him for that three years, but I should be firmed with myself not to listen to those love songs while highlighting the main point on the journal papers. But, there is one thing I cannot survive, one definite thing. I cannot survive without the girls. Listen or not to the love songs, or any songs, I'm definitely cannot survive without them.

And so, here I am, enrolling myself to the local uni. Is my childhood's dream so very mean a lot to me? Yes. I want that trench coat, that shocking pink trench coat with high leather boot, with that gloves, having fish and chips on Sunday, and that, that forever dream - get myself in that fluffy snow, that white fluffy snow. (Snow? Fluffy?). I have revisited my dream and it seems to me, all I need is a sheer vacation, not that three years staying for the sake of that fluffy snow using PhD as the need for that dream. My say, whatever.

I prayed harder, for the sign. And today, I got it. I got it in Iris's irises when she said:

Iris nangis.
Kenapa Iris nangis?
Iris sedih.
Kenapa Iris sedih?
Bapak takde. Bapak work jauh.

Perhaps that is the sign, perhaps that it is not. But I took it as a sign. She needs her father more than those fluffy-snow-dream of her mother's. She needs us both. So, I did what I need to do. Be a mother and blame my husband.

I'm original, but quotes soothe me sometimes.

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.” - Tao Te Ching

P/S: There are days when I hate myself. So today one of the days. I even hate my straight plain hair. I need to curl my hair. Bye bye straight hair. Tomorrow hope for a better day.

2 comments:

nodoya shalala said...

takpala..hang jgn duk pikiaq2 lg. jgn duk sedih2 la. hang duk pikiaq lg psl salji pasai apa? duk mesia pun ado salji. salji tipu la. ha. tau xkelaka.

donna, u jgn sedey2. suma org ada childhood's dream. so do i. aku juga kepingin mau ke tokiyo, japang. tp bukan nk amik phd la. saja mao try pakai menatang thn sejuk kt telinga tu.maaf, tatau apa nama dia.

u study smpai botak. nnt bila i kayo, i blanja u tiket pegi blk pi uk. tp tatau la bila i kayo.

gitu je la. tk care donna.

Mummy Hanny said...

She, ada nanti rezeki kut lain for the childhood dream may comes true eventually! As for now, the girls are definitely your oxygen, and you are theirs. Trust me, you won't regret.